I write self help. Isn't that ironic? Somehow I stumbled into the niche, and probably a solid third of what I do is self help... but I can't seem to get my own self together and keep staring down this gun barrel of depression. I'm a self help guru pretender...
I know in my head why I had to get divorced - I even know in my heart is was the right thing to do, but... I'm struggling with loneliness. It's awful - the kids go to bed and I feel four walls close in; tears well up and I just want to bawl. How pathetic is that?
I cook myself something to eat and curl up and watch TV and keep telling myself one more episode of HOUSE and I'll get back to work. I stare at the screen, write four paragraphs and feel exhausted.
I know that it's depression. I know some of the things I should be trying to do to combat it, but I just don't have the energy. I would love some pharmaceuticals right about now. How pathetic is THAT.
Everyone tells me how strong and amazing I am, but I don't feel that way. They don't see me when I am curled on my side in the little twin bed, hands tucked under my pillow and eyes squeezed shut, trying to will myself to sleep so my brain will just STOP.
I'm just in a dark mood - it will get better, right? Tell me, oh self help guru pretender....
(self help guru pretender) What was one good thing that happened today?
(me) I dunno.
(self help guru pretender) (sternly) NOW. Answer me. What was one good thing that happened today??
(me) Um. Baby D played with me, we danced around and around and had a fun time with the silly song on TV.
(self help guru pretender) And how did that make you feel?
(me) (grin) Good.
Self help guru pretender is AWESOME.
The Lovers (2015)
4 years ago