Divorced and alone... but making it.

Ouch. Finally getting a bit of a lonesome twinge, even though I kept telling everyone I was cool with it being holidays and all alone. Wahhhh.

OK, all better! (Amazing how a public wahhh can always help. You just can hear the "awww poooor baby' from all your friends.)

I'm expecting the last installment of gifts tomorrow by USPS and UPS (the mailman is shorter than me, has shaggy blond hair to his shoulders and a maniacal grin (I'm fairly sure he's high). The man in Brown is taller and cleaner cut but slightly morose despite the season. No idea why you need to know this, but if I think it, then you have to listen to it. Why they can't ship anything Fed-Ex I don't know - HE is a tad older, but bald in that hot way like Patrick Stewart and is a scuba instructor who spends a lot of time down by the coast... okay, okay, I'll stop already...)

Almost Christmas Eve! Only half an hour left. I was unable to keep myself from reading Divine Misdemeanors cover to cover, so bought myself the latest Stephen King - Under the Dome - which has no blurb or jacket copy so I have zero idea what it is about and am stubbornly refusing to look up online so I can have the fun of reading it totally unprepared. The only way I am keeping myself away from it until Christmas is by re-reading The Stand - I found the unabridged copy in hardcover and excellent condition for about $6, which pleased me no end.

Almost done with everything I promised by year end - just three articles to write tomorrow, one short web page, five little review edits and I am golden. Woohoo!

Dealing with Depression

I write self help. Isn't that ironic? Somehow I stumbled into the niche, and probably a solid third of what I do is self help... but I can't seem to get my own self together and keep staring down this gun barrel of depression. I'm a self help guru pretender...

I know in my head why I had to get divorced - I even know in my heart is was the right thing to do, but... I'm struggling with loneliness. It's awful - the kids go to bed and I feel four walls close in; tears well up and I just want to bawl. How pathetic is that?

I cook myself something to eat and curl up and watch TV and keep telling myself one more episode of HOUSE and I'll get back to work. I stare at the screen, write four paragraphs and feel exhausted.

I know that it's depression. I know some of the things I should be trying to do to combat it, but I just don't have the energy. I would love some pharmaceuticals right about now. How pathetic is THAT.

Everyone tells me how strong and amazing I am, but I don't feel that way. They don't see me when I am curled on my side in the little twin bed, hands tucked under my pillow and eyes squeezed shut, trying to will myself to sleep so my brain will just STOP.

I'm just in a dark mood - it will get better, right? Tell me, oh self help guru pretender....

(self help guru pretender) What was one good thing that happened today?

(me) I dunno.

(self help guru pretender) (sternly) NOW. Answer me. What was one good thing that happened today??

(me) Um. Baby D played with me, we danced around and around and had a fun time with the silly song on TV.

(self help guru pretender) And how did that make you feel?

(me) (grin) Good.

Self help guru pretender is AWESOME.