I write self help. Isn't that ironic? Somehow I stumbled into the niche, and probably a solid third of what I do is self help... but I can't seem to get my own self together and keep staring down this gun barrel of depression. I'm a self help guru pretender...
I know in my head why I had to get divorced - I even know in my heart is was the right thing to do, but... I'm struggling with loneliness. It's awful - the kids go to bed and I feel four walls close in; tears well up and I just want to bawl. How pathetic is that?
I cook myself something to eat and curl up and watch TV and keep telling myself one more episode of HOUSE and I'll get back to work. I stare at the screen, write four paragraphs and feel exhausted.
I know that it's depression. I know some of the things I should be trying to do to combat it, but I just don't have the energy. I would love some pharmaceuticals right about now. How pathetic is THAT.
Everyone tells me how strong and amazing I am, but I don't feel that way. They don't see me when I am curled on my side in the little twin bed, hands tucked under my pillow and eyes squeezed shut, trying to will myself to sleep so my brain will just STOP.
I'm just in a dark mood - it will get better, right? Tell me, oh self help guru pretender....
(self help guru pretender) What was one good thing that happened today?
(me) I dunno.
(self help guru pretender) (sternly) NOW. Answer me. What was one good thing that happened today??
(me) Um. Baby D played with me, we danced around and around and had a fun time with the silly song on TV.
(self help guru pretender) And how did that make you feel?
(me) (grin) Good.
Self help guru pretender is AWESOME.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Posts
((((Grace)))), I'm so sorry you're having to be a great pretender. I know exactly how you feel. My heart goes out to you and your children.
ReplyDeleteIf you ever need to vent or cry, I'm here for you--just an email away.
~ Sandy
It's quite normal to mourn the loss of your marriage, Grace. And also quite normal to experience loneliness since you have never lived "alone" before. Just listen to your inner self help guru who appears to be giving you very good advice.
ReplyDeleteEven the strongest people have quiet moments of panic and fear. Why should you be any different? Knowing that doesn't make it easier...just easier to believe that, yes, your feelings will get better over time.
Just keep dancing with baby D and those cobwebs of depression won't be able to hold you captive for very long!
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteWell I didn't intend to remove the entire comment!
ReplyDeleteDear, dear Sarah, you are mourning a death. The death of your marriage and the death of a dream. It's only natural to be depressed, lonely, lost and exhausted.
Just because you recognize your depression doesn't make it any easier to handle. It's yours and is part of everything you feel, think, and do.
Hang in there Self-help Guru Pretender! You will heal, you will feel better, you will go on with life. It won't be easy today, tomorrow, or even next week, but you will get there! It just takes time and the length of time is totally individual.
Remember one thing - you are loved! <3<3<3
December 8, 2009 7:10 PM
Posted to Dealing with Depression